Amare Stoudemire-witz

If it is on Twitter, you know it's official. And according to Amare Stoudemire's recent Tweets, he is a Knick. Oh, and a Jew.

It's not everyday that you hear a player is all of a sudden practicing a new religion, but for the newest basketball star in the Big Apple, well, he's rocking a new look. And no, it's not his new blue and orange uniform or Yankees fitted...it's more like a yamaka. 

Stoudemire, or STAT, recently learned his mom is part Jewish, according to a Tel Aviv newspaper. And in the Jewish religion, it is only proper to take on the mother's religion.

You can only imagine the despair Amare felt, realizing at 27 years of age that he missed out on all the perks of Judaism -- the Bar Mitzvah, Yom Kippur and Hannukah.

In an attempt to make up for all that he's missed out on, Stoudemire showed up in Las Vegas for Knicks summer league with a "star of David" tattooed on his arm. According to the New York Post, Stoudemire replied that "yes" -- it meant he was a Jew.

In his mission, Stoudemire has taken on the daunting task to learn all about the religion, including the Hebrew language, all during a short trip in Israel.

"You know, a lot of people don't quite get what it's like to be a Jew. There were definitely none in Phoenix [Ariz.]. I'm thankful there's more here in New York," Stoudemire said. "I've realized that Judaism isn't all eight days of presents, bagels and lox or that weird 'chhh' sound after every word. Nah, man. It's deep. You wouldn't know unless you spent a mini-vacation in the Holy Land."

When STAT landed back in his new home, New York City, he began preparing for more obstacles in his quest for Judaism.  

Newly signed Nets point guard, Jordan Farmar, formerly of the world champions Los Angeles Lakers, is helping STAT learn his Torah portion for his upcoming Bar Mitzvah. The date and venue for the celebration of Amare's manhood have yet to be released, but it's been speculated that it will not interfere with the New York Knicks' probable playoff run, and there will most definitely be matza ball soup (a favorite of STAT's). 

According to Stormfront.org, 20,000 Israelis leave their country to immigrate to the United States, and they actually have dollar signs appear in their eyes.

When a reporter approached Stoudemire with these thoughts, he put back on his protective glasses and walked away.

The same reporter questioned his signing with the Knicks, too, stating that he took top dollar and a max deal for those same Israeli motives. He replied, "Nah. It was just that the [Miami] Heat were all out of cap space."

Satire

Breaking News: Terrell Owens Signs One-Year Deal With Cincinnati Bengals

Sources have confirmed that Terrell Owens has signed a one-year, $2 million contract with the Cincinnati Bengals.

Owens, the wide receiver who has made a splash everywhere he has went (including Buffalo...BUFFALO!), will join forces with Chad Ochocinco.

After playing for the San Francisco 49ers, Philadelphia Eagles, Dallas Cowboys and Bills wide receiver was rumored to be joining to the Bengals earlier in the offseason, but the likelihood of it was shot down soon after the team decided to sign Antonio Bryant, formerly of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Bryant, who is coming off an injury plagued season in Tampa, is likely to end up beginning the season of the PUP list for the Bengals.

Enter, Terrell Owens.

What will Owens bring to the Bengals?

Maybe he can revive his career with Carson Palmer at the quarterback position? Maybe his production will skyrocket now that Ochocinco is lining up opposite him? Or maybe he'll simply be just another wide receiver that goes by a nickname instead of his actual name?

All wrong. Well, minus the last thing. That's actually true.

With T.O. and Ochocinco headling the receiving corps for the Bengals, Cincinnati is now the dynamic monopoly of the national television.

Say what?



Come on, man. Don't you guys watch the T.O. Show? Chad Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch?

VH1, the network that brilliantly paired the two wideouts on Sunday evenings for families around the world to watch together, now can begin its next project: The Cincinnati Bengals: Where Do We Go From  Here?


The show will feature what only Ochocinco's show has provided on a limited basis - both divas. Owens and Ochocinco. The hot spot that is Cincinnati. A team that can only make good decisions.

With both wideouts in the mix, the new program will combine the drama of the T.O. show - Owens going on dates, yelling at his agents, sitting in a hyperbaric chamber, eating popcorn and doing sit-ups.

As for Ochocinco's element, the show will not be cheap when it comes to forcing women to doing random exercises, getting drunk and going to sleep and trashy white females. Did I mention a tournament-style bracket will somehow be mixed in?

Cincinnati Bengals fans and VH1 viewers alike can only hope for one more thing: B-Twice.

Minnesota Vikings wide receiver and deep threat, Bernard Berrian, has made a weekly appearance on The Ultimate Catch, providing Ochocinco with terrific insight and shedding knowledge on all situations.

Breaking News: Ochocinco on ESPN's SportsCenter: "The games will be on Pay-Per-View."

One can only hope that at least the program can remain on cable television for us all to watch and enjoy, and wait to erupt.

The Big Three: Catching On Everywhere

By now, the whole world is well aware of the NBA free agency signees, LeBron James, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade, all landing in Miami to play for the Heat. Everyone knows that my putting a starting five consisting of three of the top 10 players in the entire league is the first step in creating a dynasty.

What everyone doesn't know is that this philosophy does not only apply to the NBA; it's catching on everywhere.



In the NFL, Tom Brady, who is amid a contract dispute in New England, has expressed a desire to play alongside superstar Peyton Manning.

"If you have to decide between staying in New England your entire career, where basically you have to carry your entire team every week, and the whole region solely relies you, it gets old. You know what I'm saying?" Brady said. "Basically, by going to Indy with Peyton [Manning], I get a chance to play with the best in the league. Finally, let someone else take some of this pressure off my shoulders. I mean, really, who decided to let Matt [Cassell] leave? I never gave that the okay!"



In other developing news, Brett Favre began to hype up the retirement/return press conference, also known as, "The Other Decision," scheduled on ESPN for Thursday, July 29, the night before Vikings training camp commences. Sources close to Favre have stated he is choosing between Minnesota, the Chicago Bears, the Detroit Lions and of course, the Indianapolis Colts.

ESPN's Adam Schefter had shed the following insight on the Favre situation:

"[Brett] Favre has decided to hold a one-hour special on his ranch in Hattiesburg, Miss. to announce his decision to the football world. While Favre has texted with me stating his possible destinations, it is most likely that he will choose to join Peyton Manning and possibly Tom Brady in Indianapolis to form what is potentially the "Big Three" of the NFL."



Speculation has it that by combining the three former MVPs, the Colts will be an unstoppable force in the upcoming season. If you want to take Manning out of the game, all you need to do is put the ball in Brady's or Brett's hands, and you're set. Any one of them can definitely beat you with their arms.

Manning had this to say on the potential threesome: "If Tom [Brady] and Brett [Favre] can bring their talents to Indy, then we already have not one, not two, not three, not four, not five, not six, not seven but eight MVP awards. I woke up this morning and realized this was the best possible way to win. If we need to get rid of some linemen or receivers to make room for them, do it."

Although the Big Three seem to enjoy their new super-team in the making, others have frowned on the subject. New England Patriots owner, Robert Kraft, released a letter on the Patriots' website after hearing about the new Colts roster.

"I hate that team. I hate [Tom] Brady. I hate his girlfriend who has kept him out in Cali all summer. I hate the old guy from the [Wrangler] jeans commercial. And boy do I hate that Peyton fellow. Tommy will see how this will end up. We have Brian Hoyer if he chooses to go, and he's been our secret weapon for months. The guy knows how to play the quarterback position - Tom can learn a thing or two from him if you ask me. And yeah, Patriots fans, don't worry - just because 'someone' is a coward doesn't mean we won't win the Super Bowl this year. In fact, I would guarantee a Lombardi before the Colts any day. 'Someone' chose to be a jack ass this summer and fool around with Gisele [Bundchen]. I haven't even 'witnessed' 'someone' win anything, really."

Kraft later held a press conference following this letter, and apologized to Brady and did beg him to return to the team. His attempt was unsuccessful.