Top 10 Gifts For Struggling NFL Teams

It is the holiday season, so of course I am in the utmost giving mood. Given that Week 16 has already began, we know who the playoff-caliber teams are and who will face the biggest questions heading into the off-season.


Here is my top 10 list of teams that are need of a meaningful, helpful Christmas gift this weekend, in descending order of course:




10. Dallas Cowboys: Jon Kitna


When the G-Men KO-ed Tony Romo in Week 7 of your already disappointing season, perhaps you got a clue that this guy is not the preeminent option at quarterback for your team. 


Consider this -- with Romo behind center for The Boys, the team started 0-2, then followed up with a 1-5 record before that loss to the Giants. Two of those losses include the Minnesota Vikings and the Tennessee Titans, teams with a combined 11-17 record.


After Kitna inherited the starting the job, the team has improved modestly to 5-3. Three of those wins include that same Giants team that embarrassed you earlier in the season and on the road at Indy, and if not for a bonehead fumble by Roy Williams they would have taken down the Super Bowl champions on Thanksgiving.


Maybe it is not exactly the 38-year-old Kitna who should lead the team in 2011, if there is a 2011 season. I'm just saying maybe it's time to let a more proven quarterback take the reigns of this talented offense, and let Romo just nod off with his new fiancée. 




9. Miami Dolphins: A Home Crowd


Ever since Chad Pennington was anointed starting quarterback and was lost for the season a snap later, this team was doomed. It's true.


But on a less personal note, I do think there is such thing as home-field advantage in the professional ranks, and Miami is certainly lacking that aspect.


The Dolphins are just .500 right now, which is certainly disappointing for their fans who had high expectations after flashes of potential by Chad Henne and the acquisition of Brandon Marshall.


The team is just 1-6 while playing at Sun Life Stadium, but have beaten playoff-caliber teams like the New York Jets and Green Bay Packers on the road. Interesting, eh?


What is wrong with the 'Fins faithful? Are you too busy following the Hurricanes falter in the mediocre Atlantic Coast Conference, or are you just too enamored with the Heat's big three to pay any attention to the NFL?


8. New York Jets: A New Public Relations Department


Nah, I am not going to get on Rex Ryan and his apparent foot fetish. That is just the latest in a series of mishaps for Gang Green over the past few seasons


Between HBO's Hard Knocks and former quarterback Brett Favre's sexting episode, the Jets have been in the spotlight for a lot of the wrong reasons. 


My solution: Rex, stop videotaping your naughty fantasies. And to the Jets organization, don't hire Jen Sterger, a former "Sports Babe", to act as a reporter after a career as Maxim and Playboy. Last time I checked, Hugh Hefner doesn't run the best college of journalism at The Mansion.


Please though, don't let Ryan's press conferences from this to this.


7. San Diego Chargers: Calendars


It may be knock on the Chargers over the past couple of seasons, but it is seriously a problem. Why does this team continue to start the season off horribly? 


This year, for instance, the Chargers began 2-5, including losses to the upstart Kansas City Chiefs, the R-R-Raiders, and the NFC West powerhouses that are the St. Louis Rams and Seattle Seahawks. 


But as history would state, the team lived up to expectations come wintertime, going 6-1 and still in the hunt for a playoff spot if the Chiefs are to sputter in the next two games.


So if we were to get these Chargers some calendars, maybe they would realize when the season actually starts. Clearly they are lost without 'em.


6. Seattle Seahawks: Disposable Coffee Cups


If you need a Costco Membership, they run a sweet holiday special.


Why? Well, you are not exactly the best road team. And that is even an understatement; you stink outside of Qwest Field. 


Of your total of five wins, four came in the comforts of the 12th man. On the road, however, you have just one win and six losses. Not just losses though -- blowouts, to the likes of the pathetic Broncos, as well as Oakland, San Fran and the Rams.


The city of Seattle is notorious for it's outstanding coffee. So let me help you out by providing with two options. One, consider this place called Starbucks -- they have locations all over the place, even outside of Seattle.


But if you're trying to save some dough in these tough economic times, hit up everybody's favorite warehouse. Costco is selling these delectable products that allow you to keep your coffee hot while you're travelling. 


If you were just .500 on the road, you could be atop of the NFC West...with a winning record, too!


5. Cleveland Browns: White Thunder


Peyton Hillis is the best thing for white football fans since we got a glimpse of Nick Goings in Carolina and when Mike Alstott was doing his thang for the Bucs.


But now we have Mr. Running Down Hillis, who has taken the league my storm. Dude looks like he can bench press a pick-up truck and squat the moon.




Behind Hillis' surprise season the Browns have beaten some top teams like New England, and have kept games competitive, much of a disparity between their last few seasons.


So if Hillis is the catalyst driving this turnaround, I see no other option but clone him or snare Toby Gerhart, A.K.A. White Thunder, away from the Vikings. The more white running backs you can collect the better off your franchise will be down the road.



4. Minnesota Vikings: Stevie Johnson


No, there is not a problem with the Vikings receiving core. Sidney Rice is perennial Pro Bowler when healthy and Percy Harvin is electric any time you can get the ball in his hands. So why the hell would Speedy Stevie Johnson fit so well in Minny?


Johnson has become infamous for his Twitter account. What kind of went under the radar was his most recent Tweet in which thought it was a good decision to take a photo of his private parts for all of his followers to see.





Apparently, this brainiac decision would make Speedy Stevie just another one of the fellas in the Vikings locker room. Just ask Mr. Favre (if he is not too busy texting) or Visanthe Shiancoe, who also has no problem with his junk in the open for a national audience.


And while you're at it, don't stop with Speedy Stevie. If Favre is supposedly going to retire at the season's end, a potential replacement could be Matt Leinart, a quarterback who knows how to get down the ladies as well.




3. Cincinnati Bengals: More Shows for T.O./Ochocinco


First, there was the T.O. Show. Then, Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch. But when the two superpowers of the wide receiving world joined hands on both the Cincinnati Bengals and Versus, the world as we knew was doomed.


While it is any reporter's dream come true having their dynamic personalities on candid camera each week, it is obviously not the greatest formula for a successful football team. See record: 3-11.


And just when you thought Owens was over his complaining ways -- calling Jeff Garcia gay or Donovan McNabb was not the Eagles' best option at quarterback, or personally my favorite of getting his pump on in the comforts of his driveway -- T.O. lived up to his reputation. 



I think Cincy would trade in his 983 yards and nine touchdowns for a 10-win, division-best season as they had just a year ago.




2. Denver Broncos: Jimmy Clausen


You know, Denver has gotten a reputation of late for making some stupid trades. Some of the names that have highlighted their "to-go" list include Peyton Hillis, first-rounder Alfonso Smith, Brandon Marshall and Jay Cutler.


Instead, they opted for Laurence Maroney, Brady Quinn and everyone's favorite, Tim Tebow.


In continuing the recent tradition, why not go after Carolina Panthers quarterback Jimmy Clausen. The second-rounder out of Notre Dame has truly silenced his critics this season who thought he would not succeed in the professional level.


Look at it this way: Quinn and Clausen, and then you can pry Charlie Weiss away from the Kansas City Chiefs -- you can have The Fighting Irish NFL-style. Their combined career 3,278 passing yards and 12 touchdowns is sure to rival that of Cutler's 2010 season alone.


1.5* San Francisco 49ers: WINNERS


Could not help myself.





1. Washington Redskins: Elliptical Machines


We sometimes hold exceedingly high expectations for quarterbacks, especially the ones we trade for in the off-season and believe they will revive a dormant franchise to prominence once again.


Essentially, those were the precise circumstances surrounding Donovan McNabb is his move to the Washington Redskins.


But it was not his poor decision-making at times, or that he is not accumulating the same rushing yards as he used to, or even that he has turned the ball over far too often.


McNabb simply did not possess the cardiovascular endurance to run Mike Shanahan's offense, especially when the game is on the line. 


What we're missing here is that Daniel Snyder and the Skins' training facility is clearly lacking the exercise equipment for McNabb to be in shape. I mean, he practically looks like Flozell Adams out there.


Merry Christmas Mr. Synder and company. Please accept my gift of ellipticals, cycling machines and treadmills -- all of the cardio equipment necessary to get your quarterbacks in shape for 2011.






F8BJSUNG6NT7

All Aboard in NY

Everyone is jumping on the (NY) Jet right now. I'm just saying to keep it on standby.

The New York Jets have made a tremendous splash this off-season, a trend that they've been building up the past few seasons. With the signing of over-the-hill veterans, and trades for question-mark talent, Gang Green is certainly heading into the season with big expectations. But with great expectations also come the chance for great disappointment.

After a Super Bowl appearance for the Chicago Bears, Thomas Jones was traded to the Jets in one of the most uncharacteristic moves by the team in its history. A year later, they supplanted beloved but injury-prone quarterback Chad Pennington with the ageless wonder: Brett Favre. And after week 4, they traded for Braylon Edwards to become their star wideout -- the biggest (literally, he's tall) threat in the passing game since one Keyshawn Johnson. It was hard to see the potential of Chansi Stuckey go though.

But after Favre took the team from turmoil to AFC contender, he fled for the team he really wanted to play for, leaving a gaping hole in the the hungry Jets.

Enter Sanchize.

A Southern Cal boy dropped right into the Big Apple when former Jets fan nemesis Eric Man-Not-So-Genius looked to regain the likes of his old draftees. From that point on, the Jets went on a magical run. Too bad they must have gotten there magic tricks from Michael Scott.

Sanchez started strong and shocked the football world by leading his team over the Jets arch rival Patriots, potential-ridden Houston Texans and a Tennessee Titans team that people waited to break out. But it was a beat down in the Big Easy that struck reality in the team.

Eight picks in three games between the Saints, Dolphins and oh, the lonesome Buffalo Bills. Who saw an AFC Championship run in that team?

After an inconsistent stretch, the team head into the playoffs hot (although they faced the immaculate Curtis Painter and suffered a loss of a two-minute drive anchored by Matt Ryan). But really, the loss vs. Atlanta -- can you blame Sanchez? It was a little chilly to be throwing the ball (see three interceptions).

But the miraculous run into the playoffs, including wins over AFC North Champion Cincinnati Bengals and AFC West Champion San Diego Chargers, the Jets ended up faltering the second half to one Peyton Manning, who in fact, is no Curtis Painter.

However, the success of the Jets and their anticlimactic end to their unimaginable season did not sit well in the minds of owner Woody Johnson or General Manager Mike Tennanbaum.

The Jets let go of running back Jones, safety Kerry Rhodes and corner Lito Sheppard, as well as the always-reliable Jay Feely. They signed future Hall of Famer Ladainian Tomlinson and Brodney pool, and traded for the likes of Antonio Cromartie and Santonio Holmes. Currently, they are bringing "the full court press" to sign Jason Taylor, hated rival of Gang Green, who has enlightened fans of his hatred on many occasions. (Sorry Fireman Ed).

LT: He is closer to the Hall of Fame at times than he is to being LT circa 2004. But there are bright spots -- he's going to be a part of a three-running back system with the budding star Shonne Greene, and the always dangerous scat back Leon Washington. What LT can contribute: the lost leadership of Jones.

Holmes: The deep threat wide receiver has already been a Super Bowl MVP, but that is when he has a strong-armed quarterback at the helm. With Sanchez, the sophomore slump is always a possibility. If Sanchez can put on a show like he did throughout the playoffs -- consistent play, avoiding turning the ball over and making a big throw when the moment calls for it -- Holmes can ultimately be the benefactor. Edwards and Jerricho Cotchery are all capable options, as well as tight end Dustin Keller and LT / Washington in the backfield. Sanchez is being surrounded by a multitude of weapons -- but can he handle it?

Cromartie: The typical "My Baby's Daddy" that Antonio is -- seven kids in five states has to be some sort of national record. But his off-the-field record is not what the Jets traded for. The organization is hoping fiery head coach Rex Ryan will control that, and help him transition back to his 2007 form where he single-handedly owned Peyton Manning, and racked up 10 interceptions. If Cromartie fits the scheme, the Jets see his as the solution to their playoff fault -- the corner opposite Darelle Revis to provide protection.

A lot hinges on the chemistry the team can build over the next few months. While many people have been jumping on the New York Jets bandwagon over the past few weeks, there are still way too many question marks hinging on the new players they've acquired, and their success is no sure bet.

After all, they are the Jets, and the one thing you can count on: is them letting you down (see depressing photos below):