Harbaugh to Dolphins, Still Plans to Draft Luck

Did you think Jim Harbaugh would take his talents to the National Football League without his partner in crime Andrew Luck? Odds are you're wrong.


The highly tauted Harbaugh accepted the head coaching position with the Miami Dolphins today knowingly that this team puts him in the best position to select his former quarterback in the 2012 N.F.L. Draft. He noted all the weapons the team had in place was the right formula to completely fail in his first season in South Beach.


"What we have in [quarterback] Chad Henne -- I think we're going in the right direction," Harbaugh said in during his introductory press conference. "Between [Henne], all of our running backs planning to flee in free agency and the most under-performing wide receiving core in the league -- you can't pass that up. I'd be shocked if we scored seven points all year."


The 'Fins already set an impressive precedent with the 30th best scoring offense, better than all but two teams. When informed of the statistic, Harbaugh simply replied "Damn," adding, "That'll be tough to top."


Rumors swirled that both the San Francisco 49ers and the Denver Broncos also had interest in Harbaugh joining their respective staffs. 


In the Bay Area, the prospect of coaching a bruising back in Frank Gore and talented receivers in Michael Crabtree, Josh Morgan and Vernon Davis proved to be too dangerous, according to those close to Harbaugh. Perhaps the offensive potential would solidify a mid-range draft pick, and even a playoff berth given the division. 


Despite Tim Tebow's presence in the Mile High city, the Broncos also were too risky of a team for Harbaugh to take a chance on. The roster featured the N.F.L.'s leading wide receiver, the always reliable Brandon Lloyd, and third-year bust Knowshon Moreno, who is living up to his first-round potential. Combine that with two young, talented wideouts in Demaryius Thomas and Eric Decker, who took Denver by storm with breakout rookie campaigns.


"That was something I considered, but I swear that's better than [Brian] Hartline," Harbaugh said.


Harbaugh opted for Miami after Luck announced his decision to remain at Stanford in order to finish out collegiate career and earn his degree in architecture. N.F.L. draft experts already have declared Luck the consensus No. 1 pick in next year's draft.


There is speculation, however, that the N.F.L. and the Dolphins have another challenger for compete Luck's talents in 2012. No, I am not talking about the Carolina Panthers who will be forced to ultimately start Jimmy Clausen in the coming season, or even Tennessee who has faith that Rusty Smith gives them the best option to win. In fact, neither of these teams who will rival the Dolphins 2011 aim for a winless season are the threat.


"The Home Depot is proud to announce that we will be involved in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes next spring when the talented builder gradates from Stanford," according to the press release the company made public late last evening."


"We are in the business of looking for the best builders in the nation. Luck has demonstrated he is a hard worker and has obviously shown he is passionate about the profession by electing to stay in school for another year. Luck brings exactly what we are looking for in our employees -- strength, delivery and strong vision to find customers in need."


The report also stated Luck's versatility on the field could easily translate into an employee in the aisles and at the register.


Harbaugh and co. cannot do much about the juggernaut The Depot vying for Luck's services, but has assured he will sure his Miami Dolphins will play to their unyielding potential. To this point, he has already anointed Henne a starter, letting everyone in South Beach he is all about business.






This article is satire. All quotes, sources and content are not real.

Report: Knicks Tell ‘Melo to Stay A Nugget (Satire)

life.com

The shock to the system felt throughout Knicks Nation lasted about a second until they heard players that New York reportedly would have to surrender in a trade with the Denver Nuggets. Danilo Gallinari, Eddy Curry, Landry Fields – in addition potentially exchanging Wilson Chandler or Anthony Randolph for a first-round draft pick, which the Nuggets deem necessary to top off the blockbuster.

After Sunday’s report surfaced that Carmelo Anthony would welcome a trade and contract extension with the New York Knicks and only the New York Knicks, it was the Blue and Orange brass that blatantly responded: Melo – you are not welcome in the Big Apple.

            

            

As if Danilo Dallinari’s just grow on trees nowadays. Please.

            

The Knicks small forward is on the cusp of budding into the NBA elite fraternity. Through 25 games, Gallo is on pace to record three double-doubles this season, in addition to a career-high 15.3 points per game. His previous best: 15.1. Need I say his three-point chucks are just falling more eloquently this year?

            

Then the Knicks take a risk of losing the talents of Chandler, and newcomers Fields and Randolph. Chandler has blossomed as a scorer since beginning the year as the team’s sixth man, while Fields, the No. 39 pick in the draft, has surprised all with his versatility, emerging as the team’s best option at the two-guard.

            

In the deal to acquire Randolph from the Golden State Warriors, the Knicks got a player who could supposedly fill-in at four different positions. Through 11 total games, Randolph has 24 points and 30 boards. Compare that to the slouch they swapped him for – David Lee, who surpassed Randolph’s totals after three games with the Warriors. Lopsided much? Well, not if you consider Randolph brought along Kelenna Azubuike in the trade.

            

faniq.com

But probably the biggest deal-breaker in a Knicks-Nuggets swap would be Curry. Perhaps no center in the league has more potential than this big-man, but supposedly his expiring contract is what teams are longing for. What they are not realizing are his intangibles; if Curry is not catering to his seven children or wooing his former chauffeur, he is battling through injuries to try and get back onto the court. Whether it is a sore knee or a classic beer belly, Curry is fighting. And that kind of determination is indispensable.

The presence of Anthony pale in comparison to this collection of Knicks. The team is riding an eight-game winning streak, the best the franchise has registered in 16 years. And did I mention they are off to their best start in well over a decade?

Anthony departed for the Association after leading his Alma matter Syracuse to National Championship prominence. He has averaged at least 20 points per game in each of his seven seasons. In 2010, however, he is scoring just under 22 per game, but a career-low 1.3 assists and his second-worst three-point field-goal percentage. At 26 years old he is obviously on the on the skids of his career.

NYDailyNews.com

It is quite obvious why the Nuggets superstar wants to be a part of this team – he is a front-runner. Why did then-acclaimed free-agent stars LeBron James and Chris Bosh flee to South Beach, and Dwyane Wade opt to stay home rather than become a part of the Big Apple Turnover? Because the team was not winning, and only Amaré Stoudemire saw the light.

Stat has since led the team’s resurgence, helping the team to their best start to the season in over a decade. The power forward has recorded eight consecutive 30-point performances, and is likely casting a shadow over the Knicks’ other free-agent prize, Raymond Felton. The team’s new point guard is second in scoring only to Stoudemire with over 18 points per game.

But what if the Stoudemire-Felton experiment had taken a reverse trajectory; if the Knicks took their customary position in the basement of the Eastern Conference; would Melo want to – would Melo still be craving to be playing at the Garden?

With these two lighting it up, there is simply not enough scoring to share with a ball-hog like Melo. Is it worth the loss of Gallinari’s fearlessness, or what about Randolph’s versatility?

Experts suggest the Knicks are simply riding a hot-streak right now, that their wins are coming against inferior opponents, and come playoff time they will inevitably falter. A player like Anthony would provide stability for the team, a second or even primary scorer to complement Stoudemire when they battle a veteran-loaded Boston Celtics team or suddenly dynamic crew of all-stars that have meshed in Miami.

Or perhaps the Knicks should continue on the path they have created for themselves over the past few weeks, defy the odds and ignore the naysayers. Tell Melo to keep his talents in Denver.

This article possesses a significant amount of satire and the New York Knicks have had no response of this sort in public manners. Opinions belong solely to the blogger.

West Coast Bias: Classic

Regardless, I am taking a stand. It is time for us all to look east once and a while, and give those stars the attention they deserve. I’m sick of stories about the heroes from Seattle – King Felix, Tyreke Evans, David Lee, Zach Miller.

            Felix Hernandez wins the American League Cy Young Award. Shocker. I could have told you this back in Spring Training that this is guy who would win.

            This is a classic case of the voters and their West Coast bias.

seattletimes.nwsource.com

            Ever since the West Coast tried to play the role of copycat in sports, they have been the center of attention in every sport. Come on. The games start later, the sun is always shining and they are just so damn cool over there. It is like a 24-hour day spa.

            It started with football when all of the media had to focus on the resurgent Raiders. Every day, all I can see on ESPN was the Black and Silver. Jason Campbell this; Darius Heyward-Bey that. Where the hell are my Cowboys?

            The disease then spread to basketball. Kings, Warriors and Blazers, oh my. Will the NBA championship run through Los Angeles (The Clippers) again? How can I find out more about where LeBron is getting his doughnuts with this ongoing media blitz?

            Then it struck baseball; essentially, the nail in the coffin. The San Fran kids won the World Series – the team got more exposure than George Hamilton. I thought this Series was all about Josh Hamilton?

Let’s be realistic: we knew that the big-money superstars that were the Giants would obliterate the Rangers. This is textbook West Coast baseball with their wide-open wallets and teenage girl-like spending sprees.

But now it has infected the regular season awards; I always that was a staple of Major League Baseball. Felix Hernandez, or King Felix as the world knows him as – yeah, a king, what a proper title for the brat.

Hernandez was awarded the Cy Young after earning 13 wins for the Seattle Mariners. Oh, hey David Price. Sorry your 19 wins were not good enough. And CC, as in Sabathia, 21 just ain’t gunna cut it anymore, bro.

askmen.com

And an E.R.A. of 2.27 – what does E.R.A. even mean?

The voters tried to defend their decision by blaming the Mariners for not producing offensively to support their ace in the hole. Ichiro, Milton Bradley, Chone Figgins – this is starting to sound like the American League All-Star team.

I remember a night in April when so-called King Felix lost to the Kansas City Royals. Yeah, the dude got lit up for three runs, and was outpitched by Kyle Davies.

Oh yeah, and there was another time in August when Hernandez got battered harder than a bottle of Absolut in Lindsay Lohan’s limo. Six runs…from the Indians…is Manny Ramirez still on the team?

What I am saying is that there were clearly better options for the Cy Young this past season. Sabathia won over 20 games, and he plays for the New York Yankees. When was the last time an overrated ballplayer from the Bronx could get an award?

gossipbeat.com

Then there is Price of everybody’s darling, the Tampa Bay Rays. Price did not quite reach the 20-win mark, but he is a Ray. They play in the same division as those damn Yankees and the freakin’ Sawks; they should be a shoe-in for the World Series every year.

Am I out of my mind for thinking the voters having it in for the East Coast athletes? Maybe it is because they have to wake up earlier to watch their games, or that sometimes a jacket and gloves are required apparel.

From this point on, I am relying on SportsCenter for 24-7 coverage of the under-the-radar guys; tell me something about Derek Jeter or something.