Top Five Reasons You Do Not Want to See an N.F.L. Lockout

Have you seen a lot of these Tweets today? The N.F.L. Lockout website has launched a campaign for all of its fans and players alike to sign a petition to stop the potential work stoppage. 

The N.F.L. superstars and Twitter aces haves taken to their laptops and iPhones to get the message across.

The effort is understandable, but is this the best way to exhibit the sense of urgency this problem really calls for? 

An N.F.L. lockout would be detrimental to society. Men everywhere would be clueless to how to spend their weekends. Sunday would become merely just another day of the week, simply the day before we all head back to work Monday.

In a purely gratuitous effort, I have shed some light on the situation. Here are the top five reasons why the N.F.L., specifically its fans across the globe, cannot suffice if there is no football next season.  

5. You will lose weight

Of course this sounds excellent to fatties everywhere. No Sunday, no beers, no planting yourself on the coach from noon 'til midnight and unfortunately no more artichoke dip. You could find yourself so bored to the extent that hitting the weights or the stair-master is a more plausible option.

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This is not 'The Biggest Loser' -- there is no Jillian Michaels on your tail making sure you live to see another day.

Better said, this is you losing your manhood. Sundays are meant for beer and wings, not celery sticks and Vitamin Water -- just ask Yao Ming. 

Soon enough your Sunday workout will turn into a social occasion between you and your new gym buddies -- you know, the guy with those goggles and the always-handy towel, wearing a sweatband around their crown and more often than not those old school headphones. 

It really makes you appreciate your beer belly now, doesn't it?

4. You may realize you are not on God's good side


Without football, there is no purer way to spend a Sunday by reverting to your inner Sunday School student and returning to the house that God built. No I'm not talking about Soldier Field; I mean church, dude. 


Let me be a messenger from up above -- God sees all, and he is aware that you are going to church just because you have lost your top priority on Sunday. And plain and simple he will not approve.


You can't just trade touchdowns for The Old Testament, blitzes for The Bible, play action passes for prayer. 


3. You will  become a better spouse/boyfriend


Again, I am sure this sounds wonderful -- falling in favor with your loved one and perhaps reaping all the benefits that come along with that.


But let me remind you, it is far from as fantastic as it may sound.

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Consider this: going on regular trips to Bed, Bath and Beyond; starting up a lovely tomato garden in the backyard and becoming her foremost source on how well she looks in her pants suit.  


You used to love to watch your fantasy team rack up the points and talk smack to your brethren about how you knew Arian Foster would be the sleeper of 2010, or that your relentless pursuit of Peyton Hillis on the waiver wire was something you had planned to do all along and that is why you won your league.


Now you talk about how quickly your seeds are sprouting. You can't help but brag about how wonderful it is to get a delish salad and fruit daiquiri at The Cheesecake Factory. Oh, and those trips to the gym -- yeah, now your new workout buddy has become your girl.


Enjoy pilates bro.


2. You will begin to love bowling


Maybe you won't turn down the wrong path of exercise or a girls' day on the town. Perhaps sticking with the tube will remain your top options.


But with no Fox or CBS or NBC at nighttime, you'll fall in love with the ESPN's Sunday afternoon special -- the PBA Tour.


Before long, you can boast to your friends that you are now the foremost expert in everything bowling -- The master of the lanes, the king of the pins, the sultan of strikes.


If you're comfortable with that then so be it. 


1. Your son will follow in your wife's footsteps


You are no Troy Aikman, no Peyton Manning, not even an Eli Manning for that matter. But when it comes to your son, your offspring, you expect to be the one who molds them to be the athlete in your favorite quarterback's image.

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How many hours have you spent watching the throwing motion of Brett Favre mumbling to yourself, "Man, I could do that."


Without the N.F.L. though, your son doesn't know who Favre or Manning is. They see you watch the P.B.A. Tour or plant damn tomatoes on Sundays. For goodness sake, they are begging to accompany you to the mall.


What kind of role model have you become, you monster.


Your son thinks your garden is bad ass, and he's asking for a pair of bowling gloves for Christmas. 


Now tell me this: do you really want to see the National Football League disappear? 




samspiegs@aol.com
Twitter: @samspiegs

Thank God For NBA All-Star Game Voting

The latest N.B.A. All-Star voting  projects the following the starting five: Rajon Rondo, Kevin Garnett, LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Dwight Howard for the Eastern Conference, against Kobe Bryant, Chris Paul, Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony and Yao Ming for the West.


Once again, the fans got it right.


There was no chance to oust Wade or King James from the top five in voting, both are in the top three in scoring on the most profiled team in the N.B.A. Meanwhile, Howard is tops in rebounding and Rondo leads the ways in assists. 


In the Wild Wild West, Bryant is well established in his starting guard role. Paul is enjoying the best defensive year with 25 more steals than the closest player, Monta Ellis. Then factor in that Durant is looking for a second consecutive scoring title at nearly 28 points per game, and Melo stands fourth in that same race. 


So what's the big fuss? Eight out of the top 10 players seem to have earned their spot in the big game in Los Angeles come February 21. The fans clearly know what's going on and who is deserving -- right?


Yeah they know who is leading in these statistical categories, but let me hit you with the "but." Notice who these players are -- Celtics, Heat and Lakers, with the overwhelming star power of Melo, Howard and CPIII. 


Can the little guys, (not in height, but name), get some love?


Not to overwhelm anybody with statistics, because numbers are just numbers in many cases, but look at some of the ballers on the outside looking in that are getting overlooked:

• Right behind Superman in the East, Al Horford has 18 double-doubles this season. The top five is rounded out behind his Hawks teammate Josh Smith, better known as J-Smooth, as well as N.Y. Knicks Amar'e Stoudemire and Raymond Felton.
  
• In that same category in the Western Conference, none of the top six are top vote-getters. Kevin Love is the league's leader by a distance 31 double-doubles, averaging 21 points and almost 16 boards a night. That's ridic.
  
• Blake Griffin, Pau Gasol, Zach Randolph, and Steve Nash follow Love in double-doubles. That's right -- a Clipper and Grizzlie are second and third, behind a first place Timberwolve, or Timberwolf? Well, at least no one is picking favorites.
  
• King James, better known as the Jester in Cleveland, is the most well-rounded player in the East in terms of points, rebounds and dimes. In the West, it's Love and Griffin No. 1 and 2 in that rank -- Love's average is actually better than LeBron's.
  
• And how about giving some boring teams some credit? Not actually boring, but considered dull to a national audience because of their superb fundamentals. Manu Ginobili and Richard Jefferson of the San Antonio Spurs, owners of the best record in the N.B.A., and Houston's Kevin Martin are second, third and fourth in three-pointers made this year. In the lead is Golden State Warriors' Dorell Wright, but I'm sure nobody outside of Lawrence or Oakland has even heard of that cat.

Not included in my stats were Stat and Felton, who people refuse to pay attention to because they do not believe in the Knicks. Stoudemire is second only to Durant in scoring in the league by just over a point, and almost single handedly has turned the Knicks from a conference bottom-dweller to a contender.

I say "almost single handedly" because of the other free agent acquisition N.Y. got this summer -- their new point guard. Felton is second only to Rondon is assists this season, who deservingly is the No. 1 vote-getter in All-Star votes. Yet Felton's 15 double-doubles rank first among Eastern Conference point guards. Take that, haters.

In the East, the blunder that stands out the most is The Big Ticket starting at forward. For one, he's injured, and if he's healthy come February's end you know his elderly legs will not allow him to play for more than the opening five minutes. 

I'm not saying Garnett's season -- 15 ppg and 9.5 rpg -- is not worthy of All-Star honors. Because this cat plays in Boston though, he is stealing the vote of obnoxious, ignoring Celtics fans that fail to realize there are lesser names elsewhere that are more deserving of the vote.

Garnett is a 13-time All-Star -- do you think he really cares at this point in his career? He'd prefer to get his mid-day nap and the early bird dinner special somewhere in Cambridge, Mass. than suit up for another All-Star shootout. 

In his place: 1. Amar'e Stoudemire 2. Josh Smith 3. Danny Granger

Getting to the West, listen to this bone I need to pick: Are fans just messing around by actually voting Yao Ming in at center for the game? Dude's been eating fried chicken and pounding brews for the last few months. Is Allen Iverson getting the nod, too?

Seriously...is China going bazerk on their Sony's and Toshiba's voting for their hometown boy? I understand the logic behind it, but they need to tune in at 4 a.m. or whatever time it is over their in Beijing and realize Yao isn't on the hardwood anymore. 

What's problematic in this situation is there is a scarcity of quality big men in the Western Conference. Sure, the East has Howard and Stoudemire, but the West is limited to a handful of true centers and a lot power forwards posing in that role.

Aside from abolishing Yao's eligibility to even play in the All-Star Game, open up the slot for the fans to vote for either a center or even a power forward into the starting five. 

Listen -- Yao would love nothing more than to enjoy his K.F.C. and Natty Light's and watch another cat take his spot in the game. 

In his place: 1. Kevin Love 2. Pau Gasol 3. Al Jefferson