Top 10 Gifts For Struggling NFL Teams

It is the holiday season, so of course I am in the utmost giving mood. Given that Week 16 has already began, we know who the playoff-caliber teams are and who will face the biggest questions heading into the off-season.


Here is my top 10 list of teams that are need of a meaningful, helpful Christmas gift this weekend, in descending order of course:




10. Dallas Cowboys: Jon Kitna


When the G-Men KO-ed Tony Romo in Week 7 of your already disappointing season, perhaps you got a clue that this guy is not the preeminent option at quarterback for your team. 


Consider this -- with Romo behind center for The Boys, the team started 0-2, then followed up with a 1-5 record before that loss to the Giants. Two of those losses include the Minnesota Vikings and the Tennessee Titans, teams with a combined 11-17 record.


After Kitna inherited the starting the job, the team has improved modestly to 5-3. Three of those wins include that same Giants team that embarrassed you earlier in the season and on the road at Indy, and if not for a bonehead fumble by Roy Williams they would have taken down the Super Bowl champions on Thanksgiving.


Maybe it is not exactly the 38-year-old Kitna who should lead the team in 2011, if there is a 2011 season. I'm just saying maybe it's time to let a more proven quarterback take the reigns of this talented offense, and let Romo just nod off with his new fiancée. 




9. Miami Dolphins: A Home Crowd


Ever since Chad Pennington was anointed starting quarterback and was lost for the season a snap later, this team was doomed. It's true.


But on a less personal note, I do think there is such thing as home-field advantage in the professional ranks, and Miami is certainly lacking that aspect.


The Dolphins are just .500 right now, which is certainly disappointing for their fans who had high expectations after flashes of potential by Chad Henne and the acquisition of Brandon Marshall.


The team is just 1-6 while playing at Sun Life Stadium, but have beaten playoff-caliber teams like the New York Jets and Green Bay Packers on the road. Interesting, eh?


What is wrong with the 'Fins faithful? Are you too busy following the Hurricanes falter in the mediocre Atlantic Coast Conference, or are you just too enamored with the Heat's big three to pay any attention to the NFL?


8. New York Jets: A New Public Relations Department


Nah, I am not going to get on Rex Ryan and his apparent foot fetish. That is just the latest in a series of mishaps for Gang Green over the past few seasons


Between HBO's Hard Knocks and former quarterback Brett Favre's sexting episode, the Jets have been in the spotlight for a lot of the wrong reasons. 


My solution: Rex, stop videotaping your naughty fantasies. And to the Jets organization, don't hire Jen Sterger, a former "Sports Babe", to act as a reporter after a career as Maxim and Playboy. Last time I checked, Hugh Hefner doesn't run the best college of journalism at The Mansion.


Please though, don't let Ryan's press conferences from this to this.


7. San Diego Chargers: Calendars


It may be knock on the Chargers over the past couple of seasons, but it is seriously a problem. Why does this team continue to start the season off horribly? 


This year, for instance, the Chargers began 2-5, including losses to the upstart Kansas City Chiefs, the R-R-Raiders, and the NFC West powerhouses that are the St. Louis Rams and Seattle Seahawks. 


But as history would state, the team lived up to expectations come wintertime, going 6-1 and still in the hunt for a playoff spot if the Chiefs are to sputter in the next two games.


So if we were to get these Chargers some calendars, maybe they would realize when the season actually starts. Clearly they are lost without 'em.


6. Seattle Seahawks: Disposable Coffee Cups


If you need a Costco Membership, they run a sweet holiday special.


Why? Well, you are not exactly the best road team. And that is even an understatement; you stink outside of Qwest Field. 


Of your total of five wins, four came in the comforts of the 12th man. On the road, however, you have just one win and six losses. Not just losses though -- blowouts, to the likes of the pathetic Broncos, as well as Oakland, San Fran and the Rams.


The city of Seattle is notorious for it's outstanding coffee. So let me help you out by providing with two options. One, consider this place called Starbucks -- they have locations all over the place, even outside of Seattle.


But if you're trying to save some dough in these tough economic times, hit up everybody's favorite warehouse. Costco is selling these delectable products that allow you to keep your coffee hot while you're travelling. 


If you were just .500 on the road, you could be atop of the NFC West...with a winning record, too!


5. Cleveland Browns: White Thunder


Peyton Hillis is the best thing for white football fans since we got a glimpse of Nick Goings in Carolina and when Mike Alstott was doing his thang for the Bucs.


But now we have Mr. Running Down Hillis, who has taken the league my storm. Dude looks like he can bench press a pick-up truck and squat the moon.




Behind Hillis' surprise season the Browns have beaten some top teams like New England, and have kept games competitive, much of a disparity between their last few seasons.


So if Hillis is the catalyst driving this turnaround, I see no other option but clone him or snare Toby Gerhart, A.K.A. White Thunder, away from the Vikings. The more white running backs you can collect the better off your franchise will be down the road.



4. Minnesota Vikings: Stevie Johnson


No, there is not a problem with the Vikings receiving core. Sidney Rice is perennial Pro Bowler when healthy and Percy Harvin is electric any time you can get the ball in his hands. So why the hell would Speedy Stevie Johnson fit so well in Minny?


Johnson has become infamous for his Twitter account. What kind of went under the radar was his most recent Tweet in which thought it was a good decision to take a photo of his private parts for all of his followers to see.





Apparently, this brainiac decision would make Speedy Stevie just another one of the fellas in the Vikings locker room. Just ask Mr. Favre (if he is not too busy texting) or Visanthe Shiancoe, who also has no problem with his junk in the open for a national audience.


And while you're at it, don't stop with Speedy Stevie. If Favre is supposedly going to retire at the season's end, a potential replacement could be Matt Leinart, a quarterback who knows how to get down the ladies as well.




3. Cincinnati Bengals: More Shows for T.O./Ochocinco


First, there was the T.O. Show. Then, Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch. But when the two superpowers of the wide receiving world joined hands on both the Cincinnati Bengals and Versus, the world as we knew was doomed.


While it is any reporter's dream come true having their dynamic personalities on candid camera each week, it is obviously not the greatest formula for a successful football team. See record: 3-11.


And just when you thought Owens was over his complaining ways -- calling Jeff Garcia gay or Donovan McNabb was not the Eagles' best option at quarterback, or personally my favorite of getting his pump on in the comforts of his driveway -- T.O. lived up to his reputation. 



I think Cincy would trade in his 983 yards and nine touchdowns for a 10-win, division-best season as they had just a year ago.




2. Denver Broncos: Jimmy Clausen


You know, Denver has gotten a reputation of late for making some stupid trades. Some of the names that have highlighted their "to-go" list include Peyton Hillis, first-rounder Alfonso Smith, Brandon Marshall and Jay Cutler.


Instead, they opted for Laurence Maroney, Brady Quinn and everyone's favorite, Tim Tebow.


In continuing the recent tradition, why not go after Carolina Panthers quarterback Jimmy Clausen. The second-rounder out of Notre Dame has truly silenced his critics this season who thought he would not succeed in the professional level.


Look at it this way: Quinn and Clausen, and then you can pry Charlie Weiss away from the Kansas City Chiefs -- you can have The Fighting Irish NFL-style. Their combined career 3,278 passing yards and 12 touchdowns is sure to rival that of Cutler's 2010 season alone.


1.5* San Francisco 49ers: WINNERS


Could not help myself.





1. Washington Redskins: Elliptical Machines


We sometimes hold exceedingly high expectations for quarterbacks, especially the ones we trade for in the off-season and believe they will revive a dormant franchise to prominence once again.


Essentially, those were the precise circumstances surrounding Donovan McNabb is his move to the Washington Redskins.


But it was not his poor decision-making at times, or that he is not accumulating the same rushing yards as he used to, or even that he has turned the ball over far too often.


McNabb simply did not possess the cardiovascular endurance to run Mike Shanahan's offense, especially when the game is on the line. 


What we're missing here is that Daniel Snyder and the Skins' training facility is clearly lacking the exercise equipment for McNabb to be in shape. I mean, he practically looks like Flozell Adams out there.


Merry Christmas Mr. Synder and company. Please accept my gift of ellipticals, cycling machines and treadmills -- all of the cardio equipment necessary to get your quarterbacks in shape for 2011.






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