Harbaugh to Dolphins, Still Plans to Draft Luck

Did you think Jim Harbaugh would take his talents to the National Football League without his partner in crime Andrew Luck? Odds are you're wrong.


The highly tauted Harbaugh accepted the head coaching position with the Miami Dolphins today knowingly that this team puts him in the best position to select his former quarterback in the 2012 N.F.L. Draft. He noted all the weapons the team had in place was the right formula to completely fail in his first season in South Beach.


"What we have in [quarterback] Chad Henne -- I think we're going in the right direction," Harbaugh said in during his introductory press conference. "Between [Henne], all of our running backs planning to flee in free agency and the most under-performing wide receiving core in the league -- you can't pass that up. I'd be shocked if we scored seven points all year."


The 'Fins already set an impressive precedent with the 30th best scoring offense, better than all but two teams. When informed of the statistic, Harbaugh simply replied "Damn," adding, "That'll be tough to top."


Rumors swirled that both the San Francisco 49ers and the Denver Broncos also had interest in Harbaugh joining their respective staffs. 


In the Bay Area, the prospect of coaching a bruising back in Frank Gore and talented receivers in Michael Crabtree, Josh Morgan and Vernon Davis proved to be too dangerous, according to those close to Harbaugh. Perhaps the offensive potential would solidify a mid-range draft pick, and even a playoff berth given the division. 


Despite Tim Tebow's presence in the Mile High city, the Broncos also were too risky of a team for Harbaugh to take a chance on. The roster featured the N.F.L.'s leading wide receiver, the always reliable Brandon Lloyd, and third-year bust Knowshon Moreno, who is living up to his first-round potential. Combine that with two young, talented wideouts in Demaryius Thomas and Eric Decker, who took Denver by storm with breakout rookie campaigns.


"That was something I considered, but I swear that's better than [Brian] Hartline," Harbaugh said.


Harbaugh opted for Miami after Luck announced his decision to remain at Stanford in order to finish out collegiate career and earn his degree in architecture. N.F.L. draft experts already have declared Luck the consensus No. 1 pick in next year's draft.


There is speculation, however, that the N.F.L. and the Dolphins have another challenger for compete Luck's talents in 2012. No, I am not talking about the Carolina Panthers who will be forced to ultimately start Jimmy Clausen in the coming season, or even Tennessee who has faith that Rusty Smith gives them the best option to win. In fact, neither of these teams who will rival the Dolphins 2011 aim for a winless season are the threat.


"The Home Depot is proud to announce that we will be involved in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes next spring when the talented builder gradates from Stanford," according to the press release the company made public late last evening."


"We are in the business of looking for the best builders in the nation. Luck has demonstrated he is a hard worker and has obviously shown he is passionate about the profession by electing to stay in school for another year. Luck brings exactly what we are looking for in our employees -- strength, delivery and strong vision to find customers in need."


The report also stated Luck's versatility on the field could easily translate into an employee in the aisles and at the register.


Harbaugh and co. cannot do much about the juggernaut The Depot vying for Luck's services, but has assured he will sure his Miami Dolphins will play to their unyielding potential. To this point, he has already anointed Henne a starter, letting everyone in South Beach he is all about business.






This article is satire. All quotes, sources and content are not real.