Top Five Reasons You Do Not Want to See an N.F.L. Lockout

Have you seen a lot of these Tweets today? The N.F.L. Lockout website has launched a campaign for all of its fans and players alike to sign a petition to stop the potential work stoppage. 

The N.F.L. superstars and Twitter aces haves taken to their laptops and iPhones to get the message across.

The effort is understandable, but is this the best way to exhibit the sense of urgency this problem really calls for? 

An N.F.L. lockout would be detrimental to society. Men everywhere would be clueless to how to spend their weekends. Sunday would become merely just another day of the week, simply the day before we all head back to work Monday.

In a purely gratuitous effort, I have shed some light on the situation. Here are the top five reasons why the N.F.L., specifically its fans across the globe, cannot suffice if there is no football next season.  

5. You will lose weight

Of course this sounds excellent to fatties everywhere. No Sunday, no beers, no planting yourself on the coach from noon 'til midnight and unfortunately no more artichoke dip. You could find yourself so bored to the extent that hitting the weights or the stair-master is a more plausible option.

watchmojo.com

This is not 'The Biggest Loser' -- there is no Jillian Michaels on your tail making sure you live to see another day.

Better said, this is you losing your manhood. Sundays are meant for beer and wings, not celery sticks and Vitamin Water -- just ask Yao Ming. 

Soon enough your Sunday workout will turn into a social occasion between you and your new gym buddies -- you know, the guy with those goggles and the always-handy towel, wearing a sweatband around their crown and more often than not those old school headphones. 

It really makes you appreciate your beer belly now, doesn't it?

4. You may realize you are not on God's good side


Without football, there is no purer way to spend a Sunday by reverting to your inner Sunday School student and returning to the house that God built. No I'm not talking about Soldier Field; I mean church, dude. 


Let me be a messenger from up above -- God sees all, and he is aware that you are going to church just because you have lost your top priority on Sunday. And plain and simple he will not approve.


You can't just trade touchdowns for The Old Testament, blitzes for The Bible, play action passes for prayer. 


3. You will  become a better spouse/boyfriend


Again, I am sure this sounds wonderful -- falling in favor with your loved one and perhaps reaping all the benefits that come along with that.


But let me remind you, it is far from as fantastic as it may sound.

Getty Images

Consider this: going on regular trips to Bed, Bath and Beyond; starting up a lovely tomato garden in the backyard and becoming her foremost source on how well she looks in her pants suit.  


You used to love to watch your fantasy team rack up the points and talk smack to your brethren about how you knew Arian Foster would be the sleeper of 2010, or that your relentless pursuit of Peyton Hillis on the waiver wire was something you had planned to do all along and that is why you won your league.


Now you talk about how quickly your seeds are sprouting. You can't help but brag about how wonderful it is to get a delish salad and fruit daiquiri at The Cheesecake Factory. Oh, and those trips to the gym -- yeah, now your new workout buddy has become your girl.


Enjoy pilates bro.


2. You will begin to love bowling


Maybe you won't turn down the wrong path of exercise or a girls' day on the town. Perhaps sticking with the tube will remain your top options.


But with no Fox or CBS or NBC at nighttime, you'll fall in love with the ESPN's Sunday afternoon special -- the PBA Tour.


Before long, you can boast to your friends that you are now the foremost expert in everything bowling -- The master of the lanes, the king of the pins, the sultan of strikes.


If you're comfortable with that then so be it. 


1. Your son will follow in your wife's footsteps


You are no Troy Aikman, no Peyton Manning, not even an Eli Manning for that matter. But when it comes to your son, your offspring, you expect to be the one who molds them to be the athlete in your favorite quarterback's image.

nflgridirongab.com

How many hours have you spent watching the throwing motion of Brett Favre mumbling to yourself, "Man, I could do that."


Without the N.F.L. though, your son doesn't know who Favre or Manning is. They see you watch the P.B.A. Tour or plant damn tomatoes on Sundays. For goodness sake, they are begging to accompany you to the mall.


What kind of role model have you become, you monster.


Your son thinks your garden is bad ass, and he's asking for a pair of bowling gloves for Christmas. 


Now tell me this: do you really want to see the National Football League disappear? 




samspiegs@aol.com
Twitter: @samspiegs