Top Five Reasons You Do Not Want to See an N.F.L. Lockout

Have you seen a lot of these Tweets today? The N.F.L. Lockout website has launched a campaign for all of its fans and players alike to sign a petition to stop the potential work stoppage. 

The N.F.L. superstars and Twitter aces haves taken to their laptops and iPhones to get the message across.

The effort is understandable, but is this the best way to exhibit the sense of urgency this problem really calls for? 

An N.F.L. lockout would be detrimental to society. Men everywhere would be clueless to how to spend their weekends. Sunday would become merely just another day of the week, simply the day before we all head back to work Monday.

In a purely gratuitous effort, I have shed some light on the situation. Here are the top five reasons why the N.F.L., specifically its fans across the globe, cannot suffice if there is no football next season.  

5. You will lose weight

Of course this sounds excellent to fatties everywhere. No Sunday, no beers, no planting yourself on the coach from noon 'til midnight and unfortunately no more artichoke dip. You could find yourself so bored to the extent that hitting the weights or the stair-master is a more plausible option.

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This is not 'The Biggest Loser' -- there is no Jillian Michaels on your tail making sure you live to see another day.

Better said, this is you losing your manhood. Sundays are meant for beer and wings, not celery sticks and Vitamin Water -- just ask Yao Ming. 

Soon enough your Sunday workout will turn into a social occasion between you and your new gym buddies -- you know, the guy with those goggles and the always-handy towel, wearing a sweatband around their crown and more often than not those old school headphones. 

It really makes you appreciate your beer belly now, doesn't it?

4. You may realize you are not on God's good side


Without football, there is no purer way to spend a Sunday by reverting to your inner Sunday School student and returning to the house that God built. No I'm not talking about Soldier Field; I mean church, dude. 


Let me be a messenger from up above -- God sees all, and he is aware that you are going to church just because you have lost your top priority on Sunday. And plain and simple he will not approve.


You can't just trade touchdowns for The Old Testament, blitzes for The Bible, play action passes for prayer. 


3. You will  become a better spouse/boyfriend


Again, I am sure this sounds wonderful -- falling in favor with your loved one and perhaps reaping all the benefits that come along with that.


But let me remind you, it is far from as fantastic as it may sound.

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Consider this: going on regular trips to Bed, Bath and Beyond; starting up a lovely tomato garden in the backyard and becoming her foremost source on how well she looks in her pants suit.  


You used to love to watch your fantasy team rack up the points and talk smack to your brethren about how you knew Arian Foster would be the sleeper of 2010, or that your relentless pursuit of Peyton Hillis on the waiver wire was something you had planned to do all along and that is why you won your league.


Now you talk about how quickly your seeds are sprouting. You can't help but brag about how wonderful it is to get a delish salad and fruit daiquiri at The Cheesecake Factory. Oh, and those trips to the gym -- yeah, now your new workout buddy has become your girl.


Enjoy pilates bro.


2. You will begin to love bowling


Maybe you won't turn down the wrong path of exercise or a girls' day on the town. Perhaps sticking with the tube will remain your top options.


But with no Fox or CBS or NBC at nighttime, you'll fall in love with the ESPN's Sunday afternoon special -- the PBA Tour.


Before long, you can boast to your friends that you are now the foremost expert in everything bowling -- The master of the lanes, the king of the pins, the sultan of strikes.


If you're comfortable with that then so be it. 


1. Your son will follow in your wife's footsteps


You are no Troy Aikman, no Peyton Manning, not even an Eli Manning for that matter. But when it comes to your son, your offspring, you expect to be the one who molds them to be the athlete in your favorite quarterback's image.

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How many hours have you spent watching the throwing motion of Brett Favre mumbling to yourself, "Man, I could do that."


Without the N.F.L. though, your son doesn't know who Favre or Manning is. They see you watch the P.B.A. Tour or plant damn tomatoes on Sundays. For goodness sake, they are begging to accompany you to the mall.


What kind of role model have you become, you monster.


Your son thinks your garden is bad ass, and he's asking for a pair of bowling gloves for Christmas. 


Now tell me this: do you really want to see the National Football League disappear? 




samspiegs@aol.com
Twitter: @samspiegs

Brett Favre Shocks the World, Will Not Return to NFL in 2011

In a revealing interview with the NFL Network, Brett Favre announced he will not return for a 21st season in the National Football League.

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Given the current circumstances surrounding the quarter back, it makes a lot of sense. The Wrangler commercials -- way too much clothes for a man of Favre's stature. His head coach, the much-maligned Brad Childress, trades away his best wide receivers. Plus, his best friend on the Minnesota Vikings, placekicker Ryan Longwell, is a free agent after season's end.

If history is a predictor, then Longwell leaving means Favre will as well. So why isn't anybody making a big deal out of the Favre-to-retirement news?

I don't know, maybe because it is November.


We are used to our annual Favre-Fest come August. The summer is coming to an end, training camps are long in our rear-view mirror and we are badgering about why there is still pre-season football games.

In other words, we love nothing more than daily coverage of Rachael Nichols setting up camp outside of Favre's lawn in Hattiesburg, Miss. I'm sure they have exchanged cell phone numbers.

The decision from the indecisive was barely exciting enough to make headlines. Go ahead and Google "Brett Favre" news in the past week; one, maybe two stories pop up. It begs the question, though: doesn't anybody care?

Maybe it is because it is the same old story just a different years. When you put us through the retirement drama each and every summer, and really dial it up the past four years, it's just not doing it for us anymore.


Brett, if I can call you Brett, let me put it out there for you. It is like a relationship -- you got to keep things interesting. We know you are going to retire and un-retire at least once before the 2011 season; that's like telling me Boise State is going to get screwed out of the BCS Championship Game.

Want to catch us all off-guard? Demand a trade to the Detroit Lions, or sign a one-year contract with the Chicago Bears. Tell us all you are going to play another season, and then retire off to a landscaping career, or do a commercial for the Verizon family plan.

But don't tell me your plans before Thanksgiving. We all saw your eyes shifting, your smile rearing when you said you're done after this year. You make Keanu Reeves look like an Oscar-winner.

All Aboard in NY

Everyone is jumping on the (NY) Jet right now. I'm just saying to keep it on standby.

The New York Jets have made a tremendous splash this off-season, a trend that they've been building up the past few seasons. With the signing of over-the-hill veterans, and trades for question-mark talent, Gang Green is certainly heading into the season with big expectations. But with great expectations also come the chance for great disappointment.

After a Super Bowl appearance for the Chicago Bears, Thomas Jones was traded to the Jets in one of the most uncharacteristic moves by the team in its history. A year later, they supplanted beloved but injury-prone quarterback Chad Pennington with the ageless wonder: Brett Favre. And after week 4, they traded for Braylon Edwards to become their star wideout -- the biggest (literally, he's tall) threat in the passing game since one Keyshawn Johnson. It was hard to see the potential of Chansi Stuckey go though.

But after Favre took the team from turmoil to AFC contender, he fled for the team he really wanted to play for, leaving a gaping hole in the the hungry Jets.

Enter Sanchize.

A Southern Cal boy dropped right into the Big Apple when former Jets fan nemesis Eric Man-Not-So-Genius looked to regain the likes of his old draftees. From that point on, the Jets went on a magical run. Too bad they must have gotten there magic tricks from Michael Scott.

Sanchez started strong and shocked the football world by leading his team over the Jets arch rival Patriots, potential-ridden Houston Texans and a Tennessee Titans team that people waited to break out. But it was a beat down in the Big Easy that struck reality in the team.

Eight picks in three games between the Saints, Dolphins and oh, the lonesome Buffalo Bills. Who saw an AFC Championship run in that team?

After an inconsistent stretch, the team head into the playoffs hot (although they faced the immaculate Curtis Painter and suffered a loss of a two-minute drive anchored by Matt Ryan). But really, the loss vs. Atlanta -- can you blame Sanchez? It was a little chilly to be throwing the ball (see three interceptions).

But the miraculous run into the playoffs, including wins over AFC North Champion Cincinnati Bengals and AFC West Champion San Diego Chargers, the Jets ended up faltering the second half to one Peyton Manning, who in fact, is no Curtis Painter.

However, the success of the Jets and their anticlimactic end to their unimaginable season did not sit well in the minds of owner Woody Johnson or General Manager Mike Tennanbaum.

The Jets let go of running back Jones, safety Kerry Rhodes and corner Lito Sheppard, as well as the always-reliable Jay Feely. They signed future Hall of Famer Ladainian Tomlinson and Brodney pool, and traded for the likes of Antonio Cromartie and Santonio Holmes. Currently, they are bringing "the full court press" to sign Jason Taylor, hated rival of Gang Green, who has enlightened fans of his hatred on many occasions. (Sorry Fireman Ed).

LT: He is closer to the Hall of Fame at times than he is to being LT circa 2004. But there are bright spots -- he's going to be a part of a three-running back system with the budding star Shonne Greene, and the always dangerous scat back Leon Washington. What LT can contribute: the lost leadership of Jones.

Holmes: The deep threat wide receiver has already been a Super Bowl MVP, but that is when he has a strong-armed quarterback at the helm. With Sanchez, the sophomore slump is always a possibility. If Sanchez can put on a show like he did throughout the playoffs -- consistent play, avoiding turning the ball over and making a big throw when the moment calls for it -- Holmes can ultimately be the benefactor. Edwards and Jerricho Cotchery are all capable options, as well as tight end Dustin Keller and LT / Washington in the backfield. Sanchez is being surrounded by a multitude of weapons -- but can he handle it?

Cromartie: The typical "My Baby's Daddy" that Antonio is -- seven kids in five states has to be some sort of national record. But his off-the-field record is not what the Jets traded for. The organization is hoping fiery head coach Rex Ryan will control that, and help him transition back to his 2007 form where he single-handedly owned Peyton Manning, and racked up 10 interceptions. If Cromartie fits the scheme, the Jets see his as the solution to their playoff fault -- the corner opposite Darelle Revis to provide protection.

A lot hinges on the chemistry the team can build over the next few months. While many people have been jumping on the New York Jets bandwagon over the past few weeks, there are still way too many question marks hinging on the new players they've acquired, and their success is no sure bet.

After all, they are the Jets, and the one thing you can count on: is them letting you down (see depressing photos below):